TPC Gold | How to Beat Insecurity: 4 Tips from Life Coach Jaemin Frazer

In today’s bonus episode, Bryce sits down with life coach, author, and founder of The Insecurity Project, Jaemin Frazer, to explore some game-changing practices for overcoming insecurity and living your most authentic life.  

Dive deep into topics like: 

• Stepping into the light and confronting your reality. 
• Taking 100% responsibility for the stories you tell yourself. 
• Stacking the pain to fuel meaningful change. 
• Creating a compelling vision to inspire action and prevent setbacks. 

Jaemin also unpacks the magic of midlife as the perfect time for change and reveals the dangers of unfulfilled dreams and ambitions. 🕰️ 

If insecurity has ever held you back or if you feel stuck, this episode will give you the tools to rewrite your story and unlock your true potential!  

For the full episode, tune in here: Episode 300 | The Unfair Advantage: Master This New Framework To Get The Passive Income You Want – Chat with Jaemin Frazer 

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Inspired by Jaemin Frazer’s Insights & Ready to Start Living Your Best Life?

When it comes to finances and money management, it’s easy to bury your head in the sand—but consider this your wake-up call. 🚨 

Even if you’ve got your finances under control, our free e-book, Make Money Simple Again, offers fresh insights and frameworks to keep you ahead of the game. 

Or explore our money management app, Moorr—designed to help you fine-tune your strategy and create the lifestyle you want, on your terms. 

If You Enjoyed TPC Gold | How to Beat Insecurity: 4 Tips from Life Coach Jaemin Frazer, You Might Also Like:

• Ep 158 | Cut The Noise: How to Master Your Mindset with Chris Helder 
• Ep 261 | How to Hack Your Habits to Make You a Better Money Manager – Chat with James Clear 
• Ep 500 | Dr. Michael Gervais: Why FOPO Holds Us Back & What to Do About It! 

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Transcript

Bryce Holdaway
Hey, your latest book is Unhindered and you talk about the seven practices. Can we just, can we summarise what those seven practices are?  

Jaemin Frazer
Yeah, so practice one is to step into the light, which is a big part of this conversation. A lot of people are afraid of the light, for what the light will reveal. So they run and they hide and they avoid. However, if you’re going to begin any change process, you’ve got to see clearly what it is that you’re dealing with. So the only people who ever solved insecurity were the ones that were willing to stop running and do an honest assessment of their current reality and to do an accurate diagnosis of what the problem really is.  

Typically people try and solve the problems where they see the pain. So they see the pain with their job or their finances or their house and so they think it’s a money problem or a relationship problem or a work problem. They try and solve it on that level but when you turn the light on and say no, no, it’s a problem with your own opinion of yourself as we’ve talked about, then you’re into the process. You can’t change it if you can’t see it. So to see is the first practice. So that’s practice one to step into the light.  

So practice two, then the logical question people ask when they go, oh cool. So it’s an insecurity problem. Look at that. I thought it was a relationship problem. I thought it was a money problem. I thought it was a work problem. Look at that. It’s an insecurity problem. It’s very vulnerable, but I kind of get it. It’s true. The next logical question people ask is, well, why would I have that problem? Why would I have these opinions about myself? And typically they go back to the things that were said and done to them or not said and not done, the moments of pain and discouragement and disappointment and failure throughout their childhood or growing up. And they go, that makes sense. Yeah, I’m insecure because my parents were divorced or, you know, I got bullied at school or this girl rejected me, or my first business failed. That’s why.  

But that’s not why. That’s got nothing to do with why you’re insecure. We’re sense-making creatures, we’re storytellers. We go into the world and we tell stories about our experience. We have to make sense of it. And we make sense of it with two questions. Why did this happen? Question one. Question two: What does it mean about me? So we’re asking and answering those questions in moments of pain as children, and answering questions as children do with a limited amount of data and maturity. So the pattern is children answer those questions negatively.  

So in moments of pain, why did this happen? I must have attracted it, deserved it, brought it on. If I was better, this wouldn’t have happened. What does it mean about me? There’s something bad, something deficient, there’s something inadequate. So therefore, insecurity is created by us. We’re the one with the pen and paper. We’re not the actor in the story, we’re the storyteller. So practice two then is to take 100% responsibility. And not just to take 100% responsibility, but to realize you already are 100% responsible. You created this, it was you, you’re the one writing stories.  

So great, stop looking for other people to come fix this for you. Because lots of people do that. They think I’m insecure because my dad didn’t love me. Therefore I need someone else to love me better than my dad to fix this. No, no, you’re not insecure because your dad didn’t love you. When you perceived your dad didn’t love you, you decided the reason that was true was because you weren’t worthy of his love. Your opinion. So that’s responsibility. You’re the one who can change this. All change comes from responsibility, even though blame and excuses are natural and easy.  

Bryce Holdaway
Sounds easy, those two, right? Like sure, you know, step into the light, take responsibility. How hard can this be? I mean, to downplay that is to just downplay humanity, really. That is number two, it’s huge.  

Jaemin Frazer
They are huge, but people complaining that it’s hard. I’m like, it is hard. Great. What did you expect? And by the way, tell me your current existence isn’t hard. Tell me living as an adult who has outsourced their significance to the world. Tell me that’s not hard. Tell me that’s all beer and skittles. Of course that’s hard. Both roads are hard. That’s a given. You may as well choose the hard road that’s going to lead to life, rather than the hard road that’s going to keep you stuck.  

Bryce Holdaway
Yeah. 

Jaemin Frazer
You’re right. They’re hard. Practice three then is to stack the pain. So the only people who’ve ever solved this problem have been the people who’ve done so from a place of great pain. Which doesn’t sound fun, more hard stuff. But this is the gift pain offers. Pain’s intention is to move us from safety, from danger to safety. So you put your hand on the fire, it’s supposed to hurt. That’s pain saying, make some change with the position of your hand so you don’t destroy it. That’s very useful.  

So you know, feeling shit about yourself is supposed to feel shit. That’s the point. And that pain is designed to say, hey, listen, what if we did some work on your opinion so that you didn’t feel like this anymore? That’s a loving message to listen to. So most people are avoiding pain, masking pain, medicating pain, and therefore missing a massive opportunity for self-motivation for change. So stacking the pain means to stop and do an accurate cost assessment and go: How is this opinion of myself that’s gone unchecked for 20, 30, 40 years, how is this ruining my life? How is being a child in an adult’s world costing me in my job, my relationships, my career? Oh my goodness, it’s costing me everything. This is a disaster.   

So just because something’s killing you doesn’t mean you have to pay attention to that, which we see with smoking cigarettes as a great example. You kind of think it would be impossible to smoke cigarettes in today’s world because we know so much about it. But plenty do and they do so just by ignoring the costs. Easy. So you can ignore the cost of insecurity till you die. However, if you want to change it, then start by paying attention to the costs and it dramatically increases the pain just to go, this is a train wreck. And therefore you create this threshold moment where you kind of go, yeah, there’s pain in change, but there’s far more pain in staying the same.  

Bryce Holdaway
Yeah. 

Jaemin Frazer
Then you’ve got every cell inside you actively leading you to go whatever it takes, whatever the cost, whatever is involved, I’m gonna do this change work now before it gets any worse.  

Bryce Holdaway
You’ve got a window of time when you think there’s a sweet spot, isn’t it, from where people have got enough experience. It’s available to anyone, but you’ve got a sweet spot that you talk about.  

Jaemin Frazer
I think, yeah, I think the midlife 35 to 45 change window really is, and part of the reason why it’s so conducive to change is because the pain levels are right. I’m not sure that young people have enough pain to desire lasting personal change and perhaps elderly people have too much pain or pain that they’ve suppressed too deeply. But midlife, there’s a bunch of pain, but it’s kind of mixed with hope that you realize it’s not too late. I could make some significant change here and set myself up for an incredible back end. So it’s a beautiful resource, this pain midlife. And it creates this openness to go, what am I wrong about? What have I missed? What input could I receive now that I’ve been closed to before? So stack the pain.  

Bryce Holdaway
Stack the pain. So step number one is step into the light. Number two is take 100% responsibility. Number three is stack the pain. Number four is?  

Jaemin Frazer
Develop a compelling life vision. Often people just use pain avoidance as their whole motivation strategy. Anthony Robbins taught me this that it’s like the pressure cooker because massive pain leads to massive action. Sorry, massive pain leads to massive motivation. Massive motivation leads to massive action. Massive action leads to massive change. Massive change leads to massive pleasure, which dials down the motivation, which dials down the action. And then six months later, you’re back to where you were. It’s how people do weight loss a lot of the time.  

So it’s only half the equation. Sure, you got to have a moving away from strategy. Be clear about what you don’t want anymore. But what do you want instead? What’s the dream? Where are you taking this thing? What’s your vision for your life? Lots of people have already shut down that question, by the way. I think it’s the hardest question we get asked as adults, but it’s also the most beautiful, the most important, the most life-giving, and it’s always inside of us. To desire is human, so no matter how far you suppress it, we all do know what happiness and success is to us.  

So to tap into that dream again and to kind of realise that without a quest, without a mission, without a desire and ambition to actually do something meaningful. What’s the point of diving into fear and pain and doing some of this personal development work if you don’t have a reason? So the only people who solve this problem are the ones who dive back into that desire and reimagine a compelling future for themselves and kind of realize, I’m not prepared to die with the music inside me.  

One of my clients is an end-of-life pain specialist. And the reason he’s my client is because it’s his job to help people in great suffering at the end of their life. And he says, you might think it’s physical pain and suffering that is the biggest pain for them. It’s not. It’s always existential. It’s an unfulfilled life. It’s dying with the music inside you. It’s disappointment. It’s what if. It’s a should have, I would have, could have. He’s like, so many people are suffering greatly because they never found a way to fully show up as themselves. And he’s like, that would be me. If I don’t make some change now, that would be me too. So I think, again, we all kind of have this idea of something ambitious for our life. And to tap back into that is the only way you’re gonna solve this problem.