This snippet is from one of our previous episodes: How to Recover When You’ve Lost Everything.

At some point, many of us start believing we are just passengers in our own lives.

We tell ourselves stories about who we are, what we are capable of, and what our past experiences mean about us. And over time, those stories can start to feel like facts.

Maybe it is a belief that you are not confident enough.

Not successful enough.
Not heard enough.
Not worthy enough.

But as Jaemin Frazer explains in this Throwback Tuesday episode, you are not just the actor in the story. You are the storyteller.

And that means you have permission to rewrite the script.

If you have tied your worth to a job title, an award, an achievement, your appearance, your income, or someone else’s opinion, this conversation is a powerful reminder to pause and ask: Who is actually driving your future?

Because the story you are wearing might feel familiar. But that does not mean it has to define you.

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Transcript

Bryce Holdaway
If someone’s listening to this and going, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, changing story, sure” — the premise is, and I’m borrowing your words, you’re not just the actor in the story. You’re the person who wrote the script in the first place, and you have permission to rewrite it. What happens to the people who are so ingrained in that mindset? How do they slowly chip away at the belief that they’re not the passenger, not just the actor — that they can actually write their own script?

What are some simple steps people can take, whether they’re an athlete, someone at home who’s tied their sense of worth to a job promotion, or whether they win an award at their netball club on the weekend — whatever it is they’re deriving their significance from. How can they slowly chip away and recognise that they are in control of the story?

Jaemin Frazer
That’s a great question. I’m going to use a Mr. Miyagi quote — poorly, sorry to the Karate Kid fans — to answer it. He’s telling Daniel-san on his first lesson: if you say “Yes, I’m going to cross the road,” that’s safe. If you say “No, I’m not going to cross the road,” that’s safe. If you maybe cross the road… that’s when you get hit. Do or don’t do, there is no try.

Bryce Holdaway
Yeah.

Jaemin Frazer
So with the storytelling piece, when people try one little step to rewrite their story, they never actually rewrite their story. And in fact, they get hurt in the process, because they build up a belief that it’s too hard, too mysterious, too complicated. Fortune favours the brave. There’s something that happens internally when you truly understand something and go all in.

So I think the little step — which is actually a big step — is simply this: you are the storyteller. That’s no small thing to get your head around. But once you own it, it changes everything. It means you can’t keep blaming everyone else for where you are. If you feel no good about yourself, that’s your own story. You decided that. No one else did that for you, which also means you’re the only one who can change it.

That’s the all-in step, rather than three lightweight tricks that don’t actually deliver results. You know me… I’m non-negotiable on this stuff.

Bryce Holdaway
I do know you.

Jaemin Frazer
The personal development space is full of lightweight fluff. “Write three affirmations on your mirror each day, think happy thoughts, attract good things.” That’s fun, but it doesn’t work. You’ll still be exactly where you are, and you’ll build this residual disappointment that nothing’s changing — which only deepens the insecurity, because now you feel like you’re not as capable as the people who are changing. I would never suggest that’s a wise strategy. Cross the road or don’t cross the road… don’t half-cross the road, because that indecision is going to get you in a lot of trouble.

Bryce Holdaway
The biggest breakthrough for me — and I’m not sure what it was for you, Matt — was when Jaemin reminded me of the story he told earlier about the child. It’s why I asked him to replay it, because it resonated most with me.

At some point, you thought you were okay. And then there was a tipping point where you decided you weren’t. For me, my biggest insecurity has always been looking young. I’ve looked young my whole life, and I built a story around what it meant. Then I found out my dad used to say that kids should be seen and not heard. So in my mind, if I look like a kid, no one will pay attention to me — therefore I won’t be heard — therefore I won’t be enough. And so I developed all these strategies to compensate.

But just the simple reminder that there was a time when I was okay, when I believed it and it was true — just because I’ve told a different story since doesn’t mean I can’t return to that starting point. And the more I lean into that, the more I realise… whether you’re too short, too tall, too skinny, too overweight, from the wrong country — there’s always something. But if people were to rewind far enough back… fair call?

Jaemin Frazer
It is a fair call. And you have to go all the way back to the start.

When I watch people try to rewrite their story, they often want to start from today — “Surely we don’t have to go back, please.” There’s this aversion to the old therapy model: lying on the couch and talking about your dad. But if you don’t go back, the moment you get tired, the old story comes out. You have to deconstruct it. You do have to go all the way back to where you started — back to when you were enough. No question in your mind. You were okay. And at some point you decided that wasn’t true. You made sense of some pain, some loss, some disappointment, and decided it was about you.

You’ve heard me talk about the two questions we all ask and answer as storytellers: why did that happen? And what does it mean about me? The storytelling happens around painful moments, and we answer those questions negatively. “Why did this happen? I somehow deserved it, attracted it, it’s my fault.” “What does it mean about me? That I’m no good.” So people pick that story up and put it on like a jumper. They see themselves in the mirror wearing it. That jumper then defines them — I am the jumper. But it’s just a jumper. It’s actually an imposition on who you really are. Of course you’re enough. Everyone else can see that. It’s just you who can’t.

Going all the way back to the start… it’s an essential part of the storytelling work done well.